


Up Claus And Personal - Secret Santa in Schitt's Creek

by edie4711



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Allusions to Excessive Drinking, Attempt at Humor, Canon Queer Relationship, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Friendship, Holiday Cocktails, It's Ted's fault, M/M, Post-Canon, So sorry for the stupid title, Ted wrote this title for me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28056528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edie4711/pseuds/edie4711
Summary: “The rule,” he intoned, “is as follows:  All gifts shall be homemade.”“Mygod,” David said, wincing.“How drunk were you last year when you came up with that rule?”  Stevie asked.“‘We’,” corrected Patrick.  “How drunk were‘we’last year when‘we’came up with that rule.”
Relationships: Patrick Brewer & David Rose, Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 26
Kudos: 92
Collections: Schitty Friends Gift Exchange 2020





	Up Claus And Personal - Secret Santa in Schitt's Creek

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lanime17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanime17/gifts).



“Sorry, I’m late,” Stevie panted, sliding into the booth beside David. “Roland emergency.” She shrugged off her parka. “Hi, Patrick. Hey, Alexis!”

David grimaced. “What did Roland do this time?” 

“You don’t want to know,” Stevie said shortly, then turned back to Alexis. “It’s good to see you. You look great.”

“Thanks, Stevie,” said Alexis. “It’s good to be back, even if it’s only for a week. That’s a cute little hat.”

“Oh.” Stevie raised her hand to her head and touched the red pompom dangling from her hat. “Thanks. Forgot I was wearing that.” She took it off. Her hair sprang up in all directions, crackling with static.

“Oh, my god, your _hair,_ ” said David. “Just...just put it back on.” 

Stevie rolled her eyes, then settled the hat back onto her head.

“Much better,” said David. “Where is Twyla? I think best on a full stomach.”

“I’m right here,” said Twyla, coming up to the table, order pad in hand. “Hi, everybody. Alexis! I’m so happy to see you!”

“Me too, Twy,” Alexis replied, taking Twyla’s hand and squeezing it. “I’ve missed you, like, _so much._ ”

Twyla said nothing, but clasped Alexis’ hand tightly.

“Are we ready to do this?” Patrick said brightly, working his phone out of his front pocket and setting it on the table. 

Twyla flipped to a fresh sheet on her order pad and began to write. “Alexis...Stevie...Patrick...David...who am I forgetting?” 

David cleared his throat.

“Oh, right! Twyla,” Twyla said, writing her own name on the pad. She ripped the sheet off with a flourish and handed it to David, who tore it into five slips and laid them, face down, on the table. 

“Five names, five pieces of paper,” David said. “Draw.”

There was a flurry of hands as they all reached at once to take a slip. David smacked Stevie’s hand lightly and swiped the slip she was reaching for, while Patrick and Alexis both grabbed the same slip.

“After you,” said Patrick, selecting another. Twyla picked up the remaining slip.

The five read the names on their slips silently.

“Uh-oh,” said Stevie, wadding her paper into a ball and shoving it into her pocket.

“This is so exciting!” Twyla beamed as she tucked hers into a fold of her apron.

Patrick was looking at his slip with a perplexed expression. “Huh.”

“Holy _fuck,_ ” moaned David, dropping his slip to the table and burying his face in his hands.

Alexis smiled at her paper, absently stroking her hair.

David tipped his head back and squeezed his eyes shut, then gave himself a little shake. He opened his eyes and looked at Patrick. “Honey, what’s the rule for this year?”

Patrick was still eyeing his slip, frowning a little.

“Patrick? The rule?” Stevie nudged him with her foot.

Patrick blinked. “Oh, sorry.” He picked up his phone.

“And he’s back online,” murmured Stevie to David, who bit back a smile. 

Patrick shot Stevie a look before holding up his phone to show the note on the screen. 

“The rule,” he intoned, “is as follows: All gifts shall be homemade.”

“My _god,_ ” David said, wincing.

“How drunk were you last year when you came up with that rule?” Stevie asked.

“ _‘We’,_ ” corrected Patrick. “How drunk were _‘we’_ last year when _‘we’_ came up with that rule.”

“I’m pretty sure we were all, like, _wasted,_ ” Alexis added. “Remember, because you did that cute thing with your…”

Stevie cut her off. “ _Any_ way.” 

“The homemade theme sounds like fun!” Twyla enthused. “I already have an idea.”

“Well, that makes one of us,” muttered David.

*****

The next few days passed in a whirl of firmly-closed doors and surreptitious spy operations. 

Patrick was tying ribbon bows for use in the Apothecary’s gift-wrapping service when the bell over the door jingled and David came in, carrying a cardboard box. He was fresh from a vendor pickup, his cheeks rosy from the cold. He set his box on the counter and came around to see what Patrick was doing.

“Hi, honey. Oh, you’re making...you’re making bows?” asked David, too cheerfully, slipping out of his coat.

“Hi. I thought I’d help out, since you had to go to Brenda’s this morning for more eye cream. I can’t believe we’ve sold out twice this week.”

“Eye cream is an _excellent_ stocking stuffer,” David declared. He waved his hand at the bow Patrick had just completed. “Can I just...see that.”

Patrick passed David the bow and leaned in to kiss him. “Your lips are cold.” 

“My _everything_ is cold,” David complained. “Um, can I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything, David.”

“Um.” David turned the bow in his hands, peering at it critically. “How’s your Secret Santa gift coming?” 

“Good,” Patrick replied. “I’m pretty much done at this point, just need to add the...I’m pretty much done. How’s yours coming?”

“I’m realizing now that I’ve gotten used to having multiple confidantes,” sighed David, untying Patrick’s bow and smoothing out the ribbon on the counter. “This Secret Santa thing is such a _solo_ activity, and I am woefully out of practice.”

“I have faith in you,” Patrick assured him. “You make beautiful things. I mean, look at this place. And you excel as a solo artist.”

David made a pleased sound as he deftly retied the ribbon into a flawless bow. “I appreciate your confidence, but this is so... _specific._ ”

“Aw, David, are you worried you won’t give a good gift?”

“I...maybe? I mean, I might be overthinking it, it’s just a Christmas gift, just throw some cocoa powder in a jar and call it done, right?” David’s voice scaled higher.

“David.” Patrick laid his hands on David’s shoulders and looked into his eyes. “Whatever you do, for whoever it is, they’re gonna love it. You know why?”

David’s gaze darted away from Patrick’s. He tucked his lips between his teeth and shook his head. “Mm-mm.”

“Because they love you,” said Patrick. “And you love them.” 

David tried to hide his face in his own shoulder. 

Patrick put his finger under David’s chin and pulled David’s face close to his own. “Whatever you do, it will be perfect, because it will be made with love.”

David blew out a breath. “Okay. Here,” he said, holding out the bow. “I’m going to go change out of my boots, and then I’m coming back to redo the rest of these. Thank you for helping, honey.” 

He kissed Patrick then, more warmly than strictly appropriate in a place of business, and ducked into the stockroom, leaving Patrick to smile and shake his head fondly.

*****

“What is this?” Stevie asked, taking a pinkish cocktail from the tray David was holding out to her. “It’s pretty.” She held the glass up to the light before taking a deep swig. 

“They’re actually called…” David cleared his throat. “Geese-A-Laying? It’s Grey Goose, Cointreau, lime juice, plum jam and prosecco.”

“That’s a really stupid name, but this is delicious,” Stevie said, sitting down cross-legged on the floor near the Christmas tree. 

“Very delicious,” agreed Alexis from her perch on the sofa next to Twyla. “I’m going to need more of this, so don’t get lost with that tray, David.”

“There’s more in the kitchen,” David said. “Patrick made, like, a whole vat of it.”

“We’ll need it,” mumbled Stevie, “after the Homemade Gifts fiasco that is about to occur.”

“I’m really happy with mine,” said Twyla. “But I’m still a little nervous.”

“I’m sure it will be fine, Twyla,” Patrick said. “So, shall we get started?” 

“Open the floodgates, honey,” called David, settling into Patrick’s easy chair.

Patrick sat down on the ottoman, close to the tree, and reached for the first gift.

“Twyla, this one is for you,” he said, holding up a small green gift bag with lighter green tissue peeking out of the open top. 

Twyla leaned forward, setting her drink on the coffee table, and took the bag. “It’s from...Patrick!” she exclaimed, reading from the tag. “Thank you, Patrick.”

“You _would_ do yours first, Brewer,” sniggered Stevie.

“Just ripping the band-aid off, Stevie,” he retorted. “Go ahead, Twyla.”

Twyla reached into the bag and withdrew a CD case. “What’s this?” 

“ _Songs From A Café Tropical_ ,” Alexis read aloud from the label on the case. “Oh, my god, Patrick!”

Twyla turned the CD case over. “Are these original songs?”

“Yup,” said Patrick. “I’ve spent so much time sitting in the café that it wasn’t hard to work out a musical score for it. And Mrs. Rose helped.”

“You sent that to my mother?” David and Alexis both gasped at the same time.

“Yup,” Patrick said. “She really liked it.”

David and Alexis exchanged a glance. 

“She never said anything to me,” David said.

“I think she’s better at keeping secrets than she used to be.” Patrick turned back to Twyla. “Do you like it?”

“Patrick, I don’t know what to say. This is amazing. I love it. This is going straight into the rotation tomorrow morning. Thank you so much!” Twyla leapt out of her seat to hug Patrick.

“ _Okay,_ ” said David. “Let’s move this along, please.”

“Let’s see,” said Patrick, scanning the pile of gifts. He selected an envelope from the top and handed it to Stevie. “This one is for you.”

Stevie drained her glass and set it down, then tore the end off the envelope. She drew out a handmade card and unfolded it. A cloud of gold glitter flew out, coating both Stevie and a three-foot radius of the surfaces around her with sparkle.

“Seriously?” Stevie coughed.

“Who’s it from?” called Alexis from the couch.

“‘Follow this link to your brand new suite of customized social media applications for the Rosebud Motel Group,” read Stevie from the card. “‘Merry Christmas, love, Alexis.’” She looked over at Alexis. “Wow.”

“I set you up on Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok. They’re all interlinked, and I will be assisting with your first month of social media marketing, pro bono,” Alexis explained. 

“Wow,” Stevie repeated. “This is really...nice of you, Alexis. Like, really nice. Thank you.”

“You are vacuuming up _all_ of that glitter,” David hissed, glaring at Alexis.

“Okay!” Patrick slapped his hands on his thighs. “Let’s see who’s next. Oh! This one’s for me. From Stevie.” He held up a package wrapped in newspaper. “Business section. Nice touch.”

Stevie shrugged. “Open it.”

Patrick tore off the newspaper to reveal a lumpy leather object. He turned it over in his hands. 

“Stevie, did you make me a...is this a tool belt?”

“Yup.”

David leaned closer. “That is actually _very_ nice. I like the rawhide lacing.” He blinked at Stevie. “How did you make this? You didn’t make this.”

“It’s homemade,” Stevie insisted.

Patrick tilted his head at her inquiringly.

“You didn’t specify _whose home_ it had to be made in!” Stevie sputtered. “And I may have...had a little...help.”

Patrick and David looked at each other.

“ _Jake,_ ” they said in unison.

“Yes, _Jake,_ ” Stevie confirmed. “He had a lot of leather scraps left over from that couch he made for Ronnie, and I found a pattern on the internet. He helped me put it together, but _I_ made it.” She lifted her chin.

“I stand corrected,” David said soothingly. “It’s really nice, Stevie.”

“I love it, Stevie, thank you.” Patrick held it up to admire it. “I should try this on right now.”

“Mm-mm,” murmured David under his breath, giving Patrick a small, secret smile. “ _Later._ ”

“Um, I’ll, uh,” Patrick stammered, a flush creeping up from his collar and spreading to his ears. “I’ll just try...this on, later.”

“After that, I’d almost say I already got a gift,” David said, “but actually, I haven’t.”

Patrick laughed. “Okay, David, you’re next.” He passed David a package wrapped in paper napkins, a clumsy bow drawn in ballpoint pen on the front. 

“From Twyla,” David read. “Oh, my goodness.” He felt the gift through the wrapping. “I hope this isn’t a Sudoku book. I don’t do math.”

“It’s not a Sudoku book,” said Twyla, who was almost vibrating with excitement.

“David was only joking,” Patrick said nervously.

“I absolutely was _not,_ ” David assured him. He unwrapped his present and caught his breath. He sat motionless for a long moment, gazing at the little hand-bound book in his lap.

“What is it, David?” Stevie asked, injecting extra cheer into her voice.

David turned to look at Twyla, his eyes shining. “This is...I don’t...Twy…”

“Can I see that?” Patrick reached for the book and read the title aloud. “Star Chart for David Rose and Patrick Brewer.” 

“It’s an astrological birth chart for both of you,” said Twyla. “Separately and together. It shows your compatibilities, your personalities, your energy...it’s like a guide for your life path together.”

“Wow,” said Patrick. “Twyla, that is really generous of you.”

“Is it...a good path?” asked David, taking the book back from Patrick and flipping open to a random page. 

“You’ll just have to read it and find out,” replied Twyla, giving him a brilliant smile. “But I’ll give you a hint: yes, it’s good.”

“It’s lovely,” whispered David. “Thank you.”

Alexis gave a little wriggle. “ _Ahem._ ”

“Don’t worry, Alexis, I didn’t forget you,” Patrick said as he passed her a hard, flat gift wrapped in beige paper and tied with an aqua satin bow.

“Since it’s the last one, it has to be from David,” Stevie said. “As if the wrapping didn’t give it away.”

David suddenly became very interested in his Goose-A-Laying, holding up his glass, turning it as though to see the colors in the drink.

Alexis undid the bow and pulled off the wrapping to reveal a framed certificate. Patrick recognized David’s beautiful calligraphy, and what looked like one of Jocelyn’s notary seals at the bottom. 

Alexis began to read aloud. “Award...Award for…” Her voice seemed to catch in her throat, and she trailed off.

“Here, I’ll read it,” said Stevie, taking it from her. “Award for the Best Sister In The World. This is to certify that Alexis Claire Rose is the Best Sister Ever, for her outstanding achievements...oh, it’s signed, David Rose, and look, here’s the date.” She held up the certificate for everyone to see.

“It’s for your office.” David’s voice was quiet. He had twisted around in the chair so his back was almost completely to the group.

Alexis stood and walked around to face him. 

“David…”

“ _Don’t,_ ” he whispered. 

“Okay,” Alexis said thickly. “Okay. But, David?”

“Mmm.” 

Alexis laid her finger on David’s nose.

“Boop,” she said softly.

David looked around. Everyone else immediately looked elsewhere. 

He pressed his lips together before lifting his hand, extending a long finger, and pressing his sister’s nose gently with his fingertip.

“Boop,” he mouthed, then let out a wet laugh.

No one said anything for a moment. Finally, Patrick stood up.

“Well, I think this Secret Santa exchange was a success,” he said with a broad grin.

There was a chorus of agreement.

“We haven’t done my favorite part yet,” said Stevie, holding her empty glass aloft. “Time to pick next year’s rule.”

“I’ll get us refills,” Patrick said, picking up the tray.

“Just bring the pitcher,” David advised. “In fact, you might want to make another batch.”

“I can help with that,” Twyla said, getting up.

Patrick moved toward the kitchen with the tray, stopping on the way to drop a kiss on David’s forehead.

“I told you you’d make it perfect,” he whispered in David’s ear.

David turned to look at his sister, who was still gazing happily at her certificate, then smiled at Patrick.

“I’m gonna need a stiff drink to get through the rest of this party, honey,” David murmured. 

“David--”

“ _Stiff._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was: Secret Santa gift exchange, but all gifts must be homemade
> 
> I 100% overran the word count limit on this thing but a) I wanted to do justice to the prompt and b) I'm a helpless slave to these characters, they do what they want and I just write it all down. Special thanks to TrueIllusion for not (yet) killing me over this, blackandwhiteandrose for previewing and being an idea backboard for me, to TheMelancholyVegetable for tech help and general support, and to theyallcomeframed, without whom, etc. for all of the things. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you like it!


End file.
